- This is the second of the journal posts rescued from my abandoned Myspace. It is about a subject that I know a lot about, I mean it’s in my name for pete’s sake!.
For the first journal from the vaults click here – Nostalgia part 1 – Hero Worship“
originally posted 18 Oct 2009
Today kittens I want to talk about lies. I need to make something about me clear once and for all, because if others claim the right to their reactions to my ‘behavior’ then I have the right to defend myself.
The first requirement is for whoever reads this to be logical. Remember that we all live in a bubble of reality that is unique to us, shaped by our own perception. So what a person means by something is not always what you would have meant by it if you had said or done it. Therefore we should always try to understand someones meaning before we react strongly (good or bad), as ‘why?’ can make all the difference (its not a get out of jail free card by any means though)
OK, so that said I want to talk about lies. I used to lie all the time in my youth, just to
amuse myself mostly. I will confess to a few character flaws that meant I had little
consideration for other people and a very low boredom threshold. Someone would ask me something and I would say whatever first came into my head that entertained me…or pushed the persons buttons. I did this for the reasons stated above and as a kind of defense mechanism, as I was one of the most guarded and secretive individuals you could meet. To some degree I still am, and will defend even the most trivial areas of my territory fiercely. These lies were not intended to do harm and never got me in trouble, though that has more to do with being a jammy vixen than anything else. Hahaha.
Since then I have changed a bit. I am stronger now, but even then there was one lie I would never tell.
There is a very specific form of lie that disgusts me the most and I am happy to say that you will not catch me doing it.
When I don’t like someone I never fake it to their face and then talk about them behind their back…..NEVER….. If I don’t like you then you will know it!. I don’t have to start a fight, and can be civil and very tolerant (though perhaps with a few dirty looks…I’m no angel here) but you will be aware of the distance between us and not to cross the line of my personal space.
Many people, including my Mother, are upset by this and feel that I should just “be nice”.
But to me that is the worst kind of lie.
You might think that faking it for a while is for
the benefit of the other….better for all concerned. But that is a steaming load of shit and if
you are honest you know it!. What you are really concerned about is that you don’t want to have deal with that persons emotional response, or the thought that someone might not love YOU.
It’s gutless not compassion.
And remember that the longer it goes on the harder it will be when ….and it is when…. they figure it out.
Secondly, when you are ‘nice’ to someone it sends out various signals about trust and
friendship. Friendship is NOT a trivial matter to be toyed with, you are lying (or if you
prefer misleading (whatever)) about something very significant. Especially if this person is
very needy (you could hurt them badly) or very selfish (you bring more pain to yourself with that).
I know from personal experience what it is like to think you can rely on someone only to find out at the worst time that you cant and they are full of it. I wouldn’t wish that on an enemy.
If there is someone in your life, be it family or friend circle, who you know you will never be close to, what is so bad about that?…..really, why is that so terrible??
You know where you stand, you are unlikely to trip up with them because they have been honest.
If someone can lie to you about something so important as friendship, they can lie to you about anything.
And on the other side letting someone assimilate themselves into your space, who really does not belong there, out of ‘being nice’ can cause big problems for you and those you love. There is a line between common decency and manners and seeming to open your heart and home to someone.
Give everyone a fair chance, and if they don’t fit with you, maintain courtesy but don’t pretend to feel something you don’t. They might not appreciate it, might think you are a bitch, but that is nothing to be concerned about. There is nothing wrong with what you are doing. If you feel bad, you can be very well mannered without pretending to be a friend to someone’s face only.
If you prefer the lies its probably best you stay away from me altogether.
Thoughts in 2013 –
I should note, if it is not obvious, that the reason the word “nice” is in quotation marks is because my definition of being nice uses words like – respectful, helpful (when asked for help not interfering), polite, attentive, generous (when appropriate). Not what those who were telling me to “be nice” meant by it, which I read as basically lying about my feelings.
There has so long been pressure, particularly on women, to behave in certain ways. And maintaining personal distance and being honest about their feelings (like men do) was not encouraged. Well I don’t like the “nice girl” lie, I prefer to be fair and honest.
I still feel this way on this subject and don’t anticipate changing any time soon. I can expand on it and say that people need to be aware of the feelings of others, and accept them for who they are. That sounds really obvious doesn’t it! But people ignore this golden rule all the time.
Have an honest day Kittens xxx